Probably fish . Feeling upset with the situation that your partner is not healthy? I find that the occasional session of length swimming makes me feel mentally great for a while afterwards, but I will also be exhausted for the rest of the day and not be able to get anything done, and usually experience a mood crash too. Yeah, he sounds like the things my Jerkbrain says when I am doing a really good job in my life and my asshole brains like YEAH well, itll never be good enough, SO! He also sounds like the physical (/verbal) manifestation of Compulsive Skin Picking which is *literally* a process by which I pick myself apart. I feel so much better and so much stronger. I'd always known that my boyfriend was a bit insecure due to his previous partners cheating on him, but I never realized how often I would text him during the day to let him know who I was with, what I was doing, where I was, and other small things. Hes interested in his version of you. Work. Being supportive is hard. He seems to be sorry for everything these days. The focus is making me incredibly uncomfortable, though. Because housework affects everyone in the house, but what LW puts in their body, and how LW exercises? When things are at their worst, do you still make each other laugh, do you still turn to each other and see each other as someone with much to offer, do you still treat each other with affection and find pleasure in each others company? Now I think to some extent I was partly in therapy to get ready to leave him. It sounds like the bf has two other specific things he needs to work on for this to be a healthy relationship: 1. THIS. The situation seems chock full of red flags to me. I said You know, a lot of the time people do what they want in the moment & dont think it through, especially when theyre having powerful emotional impulses. He was like well that way of life doesnt make sense. He is sorry he didnt call, doesnt have time, or that you never see him anymore. Your b/f much to his dismay, perhaps is not the boss of you. But he was self-centered, and he wanted contradictory things. Continuing to put in effort for someone who isnt putting any into you is only going to lead to more frustration and resentment neither of which will make either one of you happy or satisfied long term. I have an ex my friend refers to as The Physical Manifestation of MellifluousDissents (Formerly) Low Self-Esteem. I suspect this b/f may belong to that club as well. One of the best dates I ever went on was to a cheap jazz concert in my neighborhood; we danced the night away and ended up as great friends. A person who fundamentally likes and respects you is going to hear them and back way off. This is fine isnt good enough when it comes to relationships, IMO. You know that already because you are experiencing it first hand. If he only does that with yours, thats not being logical, thats being a dick. A lot of people who have disabilities end up with serious social problems, at least for a while, as they have to figure out which people will still treat them well and which will cause them problems in all sorts of new ways. Reactions based on internal, undisclosed standards isnt about keeping score, but it does have an effect, LW, and youve been feeling it: uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety around their approval. 2) said, Im going to [the gym, for a run, to walk the dog, to a coffee shop to get out of the apartment for a bit], want to come? And the accepted my yes or no WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. That's the last thing you should do. So boyfriend needs to read up on stuff about mental health issues PRONTO. Some guys want to be in a serious relationship; others dont. In the latter casetry the scripts here for some firmer words of quit that already, mention that you *have* a therapist and this is their *job* and his job now is to be a listening ear and a source of happiness and relaxation, and if he still refuses to comply, dump him. That's key: the minute there's no effort from both partners, then there's no relationship. And you dont need to accept this as appropriate treatment. short and sweet? My therapist is big on one thing at a time, and if the way I was going to get my paper done on time was by subsisting on the cookies I could reach from my bed, well hey, the papers done! Or at least he meant something. (Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson, Illuminatus!, [possibly mis]quoted from memory., So, heres the thing about exercise and depression: everyones mileage will vary on that. Once, he actually went to therapy with me, and when he spoke with my therapist and saw that she was competent and that I was genuinely seeking help in a way that was working for me, he eased off. He asked why I was doing that and I said: Im afraid youll feel not depressed and Ill miss it! He startled me by laughing and assured me that when he wasnt feeling depressed that Id know it. They are raw cookie dough and you can see the cookie and you want the cookie, but the cookie dough is just not done enough, but you really want that cookie so much and you know how much better it would be if it were finished baking.and so you are mad that they arent doing what it takes to be a cookie. LW, I dont think your bf loves you for you. Having a life outside of your relationship is important for both parties. The best thing I can suggest telling him is that you need him to be your cheerleader for success not an accountant tallying up your failures the only thing that does is create resentment in both of you and blind him to your actual accomplishments and kill your internal motivation to continue. Im so disappointed in you. That means I dont want to run my food intake by you any more., To be absolutely clear, you should not have to justify any of this, and you are not the one making it weird by setting boundaries here. And I think the reason for that might be that he doesnt understand depression AT ALL. but it gets me out of my room and gives me things to look at and think about other than hating myself. Living in constant stress, even if its a stress youve chosen yourself in the name of self-improvement, isnt good for you. (To be fair, hes gotten *much* better.). With that said, the author adds the context that the dog was originally her ex-boyfriend's, and he had been trying to get his dog back for a while. Exactly. Slowly cut these people out of your life. depression, chronic pain, fatigue, whatever is hindering you], you just keep going on and work through it. *grinds teeth* Not. Yeah, there were also lots of couples who socialized together officially when there was an Official Occasion, while spending the rest of their time with their respective lovers (totally with each others knowledge and tacit consent). No-one can pressure him into anything nor does he pressure anyone else. I am going to assume that dude loves you and just wants to help you get better because he knows you want to get better. Your efforts to change your partner's contrary viewpoints (financial, political, religious, or otherwise) have begun to feel demeaning or disrespectful to them, as betraying not only your. I spent most of my life not being good enough for some reason or another and its a way for some one to exert control by keeping you off balance. Sometimes its nice to have a gentle push towards a sincerely held goal, but getting mad at you for not meeting some standards that he made up? In the most recent invention, a group of university students in China created a kissing device that lets you make out with your partner from across the seas, country, or city. Weve never reached a good resolution about this, and it keeps coming up. Ways this manifests: BOY does he like to research before making a decision. This helps us because it is a concrete thing he can do (yay I am helping someone I love) and actually helps me. You are the boss of you. The only script I know of for remarks like that is What did you just say to me? But for it to be helpful, she has to want to include me. He would say, We really need to work on your sense of adventure and getting you to be more open to new experiences. He always said we, as though this was a joint project. Sadly, that didnt stop his fixing behaviors in other areas of my life. Like, does he have any evidence on which to base this idea that you actually can change people? It could be as simple as saying to him, I noticed you've been distant recently, is there something bothering you? I keep trying my best for him and every time I feel like he's ignoring me, I spam message him. Maybe just focus on the making yourself happy part for now, and your partner can either help or GTFO. Finally, I also worry a bit about something almost the opposite of not wanting to help you through hard times, which is not wanting you to get better. Its not that men suddenly become secretive when they lose interest in their relationship, its that men are not by nature sharers of information in the same way females are. It Does. Point out to your boyfriend that he's not her savior and doesn't need to ride to her rescue. Dear LW, Leaving an abusive partner later on didnt scare me as much. but its not like, oh man, now that I exercise I never feel sad! He was always enthusiastic if i learned a new skill, or developed an improved routine, or got a new job, but didnt hassle me when I wasnt improving. If he realizes how much fun his girlfriend is and misses the way she used to make him laugh all the time, hell come crawling back to you. Look again at your list the next day and revise it. But really nothing in that letter sounds like a happy, healthy time. LW, if you feel like this isnt the most useful idea for you, thats okay. Cant think of a more clear way to phrase it. This may also disarm any exes who set out to be hostile. This has gotten him in trouble a few times. They may backslide occasionally, especially when you have moments when you struggle, but when you say Hey, I got this, they are going to immediately apologize and back off. You Police Their Food Or Body. I hope others have advice too. And when youve told him that hes being unhelpful, and hes told you its the stupidest thing Ive ever heard that you might have your own thoughts on your health and what you need That is him being a jerk to you. It would gross me out to have someone trying to act like a parent. The LW stops loving him You cant be shamed or cajoled into doing those things: it might work for a little while, but unless the changes are self-implemented in a healthy and manageable way, theyre not going to stick. This boyfriend does not sound like good news to me. I like it on toasted cinnamon-raisin bread. Like, it is AWESOME if you ate a bunch of vegetables that you wanted to eat because you thought they sounded delicious and healthy, and it is also and equally AWESOME if you.. ahem did not. Another pertinent question: How does BF react to advice given by LW? Ashlyn Cook, 25, appeared in Kalgoorlie Magistrates Court on Monday where she . But, if that was all there was to it, he wouldnt be getting angry when she isnt doing those things, or dismissing and belittling her words. In my experience, that kind of mindset is tough to crack. (But again, I do think its an excellent tool to help evaluate a relationship.). What was it that made him stop putting in the work? When you don't tell him why he might just brush you off. Don't ever try to stop them, you need for them to realise they need to stop or cut back. Controlling never helps this situation, taking care of me and then helping him as he asks to be helped is what helps this situation. Its just really hard to take that final step sometimes, and back off, but its exactly what I need to do. Maybe you can get into the routine of attending a kickboxing or yoga class twice a week together. said nothing about it just supported me about going, and listened to me talking about it and was totally go you! It is better to be on your own than to have the weight of someone elses expectations on you. I was your boyfriend (not literally but, you know, in the way he acts) with my ex-wife. Its ok to challenge yourself sometimes and then hang out in your comfortable space! Ive also gone through some tough times with depression and needed a bit more care than I would otherwise. Agreed. and telling you this what you need to do to feel better, and if my suggestion doesnt fix you, theres something wrong with you is not something he is entitled to do, and the same goes for playing therapist without your consent. Sometimes I hope that these people (whose letters and calls make me very sad for them sometimes) read the message they just sent, or listen to the sound of their own voice, and realize before the response even comes that its time to DTMFA. If he makes you feel like crap about yourself, then you will feel like no one else will want to be with you. Best weekend alone ever! Remote kissing device for long-distance lovers, invented and patented by Chinese university student in Changzhou City.The mouth-shaped module, served as an inducing area . Its just whining, the fact is that if you really care about someone, you want to impress them. He often works in the context of a committed marriage, where the couple really do want to stay together, but the skills can be used in any romantic relationship, even w/ if the goal were very clear communication rather than trying to save a marriage. He wants me to exercise more, eat healthier, help out more with the cleaning, and take better care of myself. This should be stitched on a pillow. He never seemed to understand that these personality traits conflictedor at least, they conflicted in me, for us. Speaking of unconventional food pairings The Peanut-Butter and Bacon sandwich is a surprisingly delicious comfort-food combo (I like to toast the bread and add a dash of worcestershire sauce). Im also sure you have some great things in common and that you have fun together sometimes and that the relationship works some of the time, or you wouldnt have stayed this long. I love it!! The Captain makes some excellent points and the writer would do well to consider them seriously. OK, so you took a walk instead of doing the cardio class; thats not great, but its a whole lot better than nothing is a way to keep score. i suffer from anxiety, have self esteem issues and insecuriti. Maybe BF wants to push you because he thinks your mental health just requires external pushing. He wanted me to try a sip of his tea. They threaten to break up with you all the time. Most men and women are very different, and relating to someone who is very different from you takes patience. At the same time, dont make it too easy for him to get away with not making an effort because he may take that as a sign that youre afraid of losing him or that your feelings about his behavior arent really all that strong which could lead you two nowhere at all. Couldnt. He was trying to help in similarly pushy ways. This is totally fine when your relationship is great. While you sort out how you feel about continuing in the relationship, my suggested script for when your boyfriend starts telling you what to do or expressing his disappointment in you is I dont like it when you act like my Life Coach, please stop telling me what I should eat/do/how I should exercise, and/or From now on, I dont want you to tell me how to change or improve myself, at all. Be blunt and say the things that are on the tip of your tongue: No. He used to love calling you his girlfriend, he never missed an opportunity to flaunt you off as if everyone was supposed to know that this time its serious. This is part of why we dont have a good relationship). But it will definitely *not* help if Im already in a funk, other than possibly giving me an excuse to go outside and do something vaguely useful-feeling. So, to me, a partner who listens and trusts you about your health and is willing to accept hardships when you have problems is a safety issue. 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